Review:

on 2012-02-11 CharlesMartel Said:

So here we are, at last. The album which I have dreaded reviewing. Franz Ferdinand's eponymous debut album which typifies everything which is wrong with British indie music these days. Clueless beyond belief; hyped to the heavens by those smug self-appointed know-it-alls at the NME who are always looking for the next best thing to latch onto; remodelled to make indie acceptable to the mainstream; over produced; lacking in anything which could be considered passion or belief that what you are doing is worth doing for its own sake. To review "Franz Ferdinand" would either be one of the most painful experiences of my life, or else would quickly degenerate into a tirade of increasingly abusive ranting.

So, I have decided to take a different approach to my review of "Franz Ferdinand". Rather than give you a typical review which explains the merits of the album (the shortest review in the world) or the demerits of it (quite possibly the longest review ever written, a review so huge it makes the "Complete Works of Shakespeare" seem like a child's nursery rhyme) I am going to give you a list of things which you can do INSTEAD of listening to it, and which you will probably find more stimulating, interesting and enjoyable. So, here goes -

1. Drive from your home to your workplace blindfolded with someone in the passenger seat shouting left, right, stop, go as necessary.

2. Paint your penis flourcesent yellow and tie a pink ribbon at the end of it, then walk into your local shopping mall with it hanging out of your trousers whilst yelling at the top of your voice "Jesus saves! Seek thy salvation here".

3. Stick coloured pins into your eyeballs into an outline of the face of David Hasselhoff.

4. Write to your local Member of Parliament/Congressman or whatever and tell him or her that you have their picture with that donkey in that cheap motel when they were supposed to be attending a party conference and demanding that they work for free for a year lest you publish the picture on the internet.

5. Walk up to a police dog, get down on all fours in front of its face and then say "woof".

6. Come home hogwhimpering drunk at four o'clock in the morning and try and convince your wife/girlfriend/mother or whatever that you were actually out collecting money for a charitable group which aims to preserve the rain forests of Borneo.

Alternatively, you could do anything at all instead of listening to "Franz Ferdinand". That's right, anything. You choose. You see anything is better than listening to this. In fact, the only thing I suggest you don't do is pick up the NME and see which bunch on insipid, talentless wankers they are hyping as the next best thing in indie music.
Rating: 1/10