I, Lord Phallus of the mighty Goblin Cock deem the following records noteworthy and should be paid more attention to….

1. Horrific Child - L’etrange Mr. Whinster This is a record that defies description. Somehow derivative yet genre-smashing. Every three minutes you will say to yourself “What the fuck is this?”, but in a new way every time. Never released on CD and nearly impossible to find on vinyl, I just now remember having dreamt about finding a deluxe CD of this just last night. Then I woke up in a puddle. Of ectoplasm.

2. The Osmond Brothers - Brainstorm I know most people think “Crazy Horses” is their most jamming album, but I find this album much more diverse and yet devastating on so many levels without coming off as just terrifying like “The Plan”. “Gotta Let Love” is one of the most ROCKING cuts I’ve EVER, with so much fucked up shit going on in it, especially Donny Osmonds groundbreaking synth work, that it is my favorite Osmonds song. I only wish the main vocals were sung in a higher register. I finally tracked down footage of them prefoming it live and they are all dressed as pimps!

3  Lil’ Markie - Lil’ Markie Volume 1 “Diary Of An Unborn Child” will fuck up your day, Although “Story Of An Alcoholic Father… “Something’s Happened To Daddy”" from his “Little Bits For Children Everywhere” album is pretty fucking intense, too.

4. Giulietta degli Spiriti Soundtrack - Nino Rota This is what I listen to when I’m getting ready to go out and MOSH. This is what Danny Elfman listens to while jerking off into his Jack Skellington puppet. And then he cries. And that is the only way Tim Burton can get hard.

5. The Best Of Cold Chillin’ - Marley Marl - In Control Vols. 1 + 2 I have learned many things about you humans from this and the other “Best of Cold Chillin’” collections. Mainly that “crack” is “wack”, “biting” a “rhyme” is the worst thing you can do to somebody, i should always wear a watch so i “know what time it is”, and that Biz Markie is one of the most talented, underrated, and taken for granted motherfuckers on the planet. Oh, snap!

Most of the time I just to Venom, Manowar, and Thor.

-Lord Phallus of Goblin Cock