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Three Easy Steps To Getting Chicks Easy!

posted February 23, 2007, 9:41 pm | Log In To Post Comments | view comments (5)
Tags: guitar, instruments, girls, babes, chicks, emo

My boredom has brought me to write this pointless venture into the mind of a lonely guitar player...

Easy Step Number One: Obtain a Guitar And Tell Everyone and Their Grandma's About It!

Word needs to get around that you are a guitar player. Every conversation you have should contain the following sentence: "Yeah, I play guitar and I'm thinking about getting a band together". Think of this as the wood you put down to start a flame. This is a building block to a magnificent process. Once you tell a few people of your ventures on the fret board, these people will tell their friends, and they will tell their friends, and so on and so on and so on. This process doesn't even require effort. Just a simple few words out of your mouth and the whole world will know you have a guitar. It does not matter if you can play (though that will be dealt with in later steps) and it doesn't matter what type of guitar you have, although, it will be a defining factor in what type of girl will be interested in you. What you don't want to do is annoy people with this banter. That is why you tell this information to close friends, and if you don't have close friends... get some...

Easy Step Number Two: Learn Power Chords, Simple Open Chords, and A Few Emo Songs

Learning power chords and open chords will open up a gigantic library of songs to impress girls with. The power chord (also know as a fifth chord if you're a loser that actually learns about music, LOL) and the open chords are the simplest chords to master and once said chords are in the book, you don't need to worry about learning anything else on the guitar. Sure, a simple pluck of the top string may come around here and there, but one doesn't need to worry himself with these. The next thing on the list is to learn simple emo songs. Now keep in mind, these songs don't need to be good or be classified entirely as emo. They just need to be emotional and make girls swoon. The most effective chord progression to do this is the A-553, E-553, E-775, E-331 (don't learn real chord names). Also keep in mind to never learn anything complicated, this just makes the process even harder and it makes you look like you're actually dedicated to the guitar. You must learn that a girl doesn't care if you're good or not, they simply like the persona of a guitar player (dirty, dangerous, sweaty). If you've made it this far (and it's so simple, you'd have to be retarded not to get this far), then you're even closer to getting the girl of you're dreams. This is the flint you will need to start a flame on your wood.

Easy Step Number Three: While In Public, Play the Guitar As Much As Humanly Possible

People need to see you play, right? Well then, whenever there is a guitar with at least two strings on it, grab it and play. Remember to play the various emo songs you learned in the second step. If you play as much as possible, many more girls will see you play and know that you play guitar. This process is also known as "The Part Where You Take the Flint and Begin Scraping It To Create Sparks, Usually Resulting In a Flame... Unless You're Those Two Girls At The End of That One Survivor Season Where There Was a Tie At The Third To Last Tribal Council And After An Hour Or So, The Flint Was Replaced With Matches... But It Didn't Help". Once you've done this step enough, the girl of your dreams will fall right into your lap and happiness will ensue... until they realize you're nothing but a loser who learned guitar and you're nothing like those cool guys on stage like Edward Van Halen and all those hair-metal band guitarists on the sunset strip back in the 80's.

*There is something that can speed up this process of winning the girl of your dreams. If you have a relatively nice voice (it can sound like there's a golf ball in your throat like the singer of Panic At The Disco!) than singing to this girl helps. But this isn't a pass to go try out other instruments, like drums and bass. No one cares about those instruments and if you start using them, you will in most cases, slow the process of getting chicks. Unless you're talented at being famous and getting babes like Motley Crue's Tommy Lee, then it's a different story, but if you're reading this, you better stick to guitar and vocals.

The Do's and Don'ts of Getting Chicks Easy With the Guitar

Do: Learn nothing but generic emo songs.
Don't: Learn ska music, no one likes it, including the people who listen to it.

Do: Learn only chords and simple riffs.
Don't: Actually be good at the guitar.

Do: Follow these steps and be happy!
Don't: End up like Green_Clash and disregard all these rules... what was that dude thinking?!

And always remember, girls like the persona of a hot guitar player, not a good one!

I'd like to mention this blog wasn't meant to offend fans of emo music or everyday guitar players strumming for fun... it was meant to offend every guitar player around my age that I know... thank you for listening...

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